Maybe I should request an arranged marriage.

I found this on Arielle’s blog and can absolutely relate. I have many a day where my self-esteem plummets because the guy I was checking out on the metro didn’t look back at me. Or to put it more honestly, the guy I talked to and flirted with on a three hour flight back to DC didn’t ask for my number. And that was 4 months ago. Yet it still weighs heavy on my heart.

Why is it that my perception of my worth is so ingrained into a guy. But not just any guy, all guys. Why is it if I go out at night and don’t have a weird guy trying to grind on me it feels like a failure. And I don’t know if I even want to know what it means that I consider “a weird guy trying to grind on me” as a so called successful while talking to a guy and having him try to get my number seems so far-fetched it’s like winning free beer for a year.

And yet it is. I’ve come to believe so little in myself that any attention I get from a guy has to mean that he is just biding his time talking to me until someone hotter/funnier/shorter comes along. Why don’t I believe that if someone is talking to me then they may actually want to talk to me. This is the line that seemed to speak the most to me “I happen to think I'm smart and fun and a person that a lot of people want to be around, yet I walk around constantly feeling like garbage because I'm never the girl who needs saving from gross guys at bars and am always the friend doing the saving.” This rings so true to me. So unbelievably true. I’ve tried to do the online dating multiple times, each time thinking “ok, this is it. this is the one that will take”. And yet it never does. Am I not witty enough in my profile? Did I not put up the best pictures of me? What’s the deal here. And clearly it can’t be the guys fault in this scenario. As much as I would like to believe it is, and will say to anyone who asks as a way to hide my fears and emotions, I fully believe it has something to do with me.

PS – I think it’s amusing that most people think that being tall is what is keeping them from being in a relationship. However for me it’s the opposite. For me being tall is what is keeping me from being in a relationship. I want to feel protected and feminine and that a guy can look after me. I don’t feel that way when I can see over their head. Perhaps I shouldn’t. But I do. C’est la vie.